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Getting back in the saddle
Jan. 5th, 2012 04:06 pmSo the holidays are over. It wasn't a bad holiday. I went home Christmas Eve and then drove back home Christmas Eve. Mom seemed to be in a mood to pick an argument (not that she would admit it)and I decided that leaving was the wisest choice. I got the smartphone I had asked for (Motorola Triumph) and went through several crazy days trying to get Virgin Mobile to port over my home number. I'm trying out not having a landline. As someone who remembers when AT&T was broken into the "Baby Bells" and those big old black rotary phones, it is a scary proposition. I figure if I don't like not having a landline, I can always call AT&T had have them install a single line phone with no bells & whistles (except caller ID, love that).
I had the days between Christmas and the start of the new year/quarter off. I have to say, I got a ton of things done. In fact, I'm rather surprised and shocked just how much I got done. I put up plastic on all of the windows (and patio door), cleaned my bedroom, cleaned the desk off in my bedroom (mostly), set up the lightbox I bought, cleaned my computer desk off, cleaned my kitchen table off (it had piles of stuff), cleaned out the pantry cabinets, made sloppy joes, chocolate chip cookies, make the dough for sugar cookies (but haven't baked them), made a cheesecake (peanut butter cup and yes, it was as awesome as it sounds) and AND did all the dishes. Throw in doing the laundry twice, playing on the computer alot and taking a nap about once a day, I'd say I had a full week.
But here is the thing...I feel horrible. The Friday before Christmas, I was seeing my ED (eating disorder, not the other ED) psychologist, J, and when he asked me how I was (hadn't seen me in over a month), my response was "I...suck" I thought I was going to say "My life sucks" but my brain overruled my mouth, or maybe it was the other way around. Needless to say, he was not thrilled with that response. We talked about where I am in my life. I listed all the things I was doing, good and not-so-good and it was pretty obvious that the good really out numbered the not-so-good. So, if there was more good in my life, why did I still feel so crappy. Part of it was that I had forgotten my antidepressants on Tuesday and I knew that was a big reason why I was feeling so crappy. J thinks it is good that I can make the connection between forgetting my meds and not feeling so good several days later. I said that I was thinking about putting a note on the mirror in the bathroom, right at nose height that said "If you are reading this, have you taken your meds?" He liked that! I seem to have figured out a new system for taking my meds, but more about that later. I told him about ordering the lightbox and that I had got it but had not had a chance to set it up and use it. He (and Dr. DM when I accidentally called her the other day) said that it can take a couple of weeks to take effect. He said (and I agree with him) that I really am doing a lot of good things to take care of myself mentally, so if I'm still feeling this bad (and right this minute, it's really bad), it has to be the depression. Since I'm also a lot of things that I can do mentally to take care of myself, there needs to be a change of some sort to my meds. I see my psychiatrist next week. I'm not sure how high she wants to go with my Zoloft but it will be the top topic of discussion next week.
I started the lightbox therapy. Last week, I'd wake up, go to the bathroom, take my meds and go back into my bedroom and sit in front of the box for 30 minutes and read. I usually woke up around 7:30-8:00 and when I was done, get dressed and go downstairs to do whatever I had planned for the day. With work starting back, I have been able to get up at 6:30, do the bathroom and meds and then 25-30 minutes in front of the box. This seems like a good order to the day because I take my meds and then sit in front of the box. Before, I was taking my meds as the last thing I did in the bathroom before getting dressed for the day. If my mind was elsewhere, I could finish brushing my teeth and leave the bathroom without taking them. Now, I take them at a regular time in the middle of getting ready for the day. I've been trying to meditate during the lightbox time. Normally I would close my eyes to concentrate on my breathing, but can't do that with the lightbox. Dr. H was very specific that my eyes had to be open for the lightbox to work. So, I've been staring at a point on the desk and trying to concentrate on my breathing. So far, I've only been able to stand it for about 5 minutes. I have an app on my phone that will signal me after 5 minutes. I'm still like "How much time do I have left" and then go back to concentrating on my breathing. Hopefully I will get better at this. After that, I play Angry Birds. I also find something soothing about killing pigs with birds! Except when I can't get 3 stars after 3 or 4 tries. Finally at 7:00, I turn off the light and go back to the bathroom to finish all the hair/teeth/etc. The whole lightbox therapy has had the added bonus of helping me get out of the house on time and actually being on time for work. I have been in the office at 8:00 every day this week. Granted today is only Thursday, but if I can keep waking up at 6:30, I think I have that whole issue licked.
I have a lot more to say, but this post is long enough for now. As usual, I'm going to try to write everyday, but we all know how well I may be at that, but as the title says, I keep getting back in the saddle, maybe one time it will actually take.
I had the days between Christmas and the start of the new year/quarter off. I have to say, I got a ton of things done. In fact, I'm rather surprised and shocked just how much I got done. I put up plastic on all of the windows (and patio door), cleaned my bedroom, cleaned the desk off in my bedroom (mostly), set up the lightbox I bought, cleaned my computer desk off, cleaned my kitchen table off (it had piles of stuff), cleaned out the pantry cabinets, made sloppy joes, chocolate chip cookies, make the dough for sugar cookies (but haven't baked them), made a cheesecake (peanut butter cup and yes, it was as awesome as it sounds) and AND did all the dishes. Throw in doing the laundry twice, playing on the computer alot and taking a nap about once a day, I'd say I had a full week.
But here is the thing...I feel horrible. The Friday before Christmas, I was seeing my ED (eating disorder, not the other ED) psychologist, J, and when he asked me how I was (hadn't seen me in over a month), my response was "I...suck" I thought I was going to say "My life sucks" but my brain overruled my mouth, or maybe it was the other way around. Needless to say, he was not thrilled with that response. We talked about where I am in my life. I listed all the things I was doing, good and not-so-good and it was pretty obvious that the good really out numbered the not-so-good. So, if there was more good in my life, why did I still feel so crappy. Part of it was that I had forgotten my antidepressants on Tuesday and I knew that was a big reason why I was feeling so crappy. J thinks it is good that I can make the connection between forgetting my meds and not feeling so good several days later. I said that I was thinking about putting a note on the mirror in the bathroom, right at nose height that said "If you are reading this, have you taken your meds?" He liked that! I seem to have figured out a new system for taking my meds, but more about that later. I told him about ordering the lightbox and that I had got it but had not had a chance to set it up and use it. He (and Dr. DM when I accidentally called her the other day) said that it can take a couple of weeks to take effect. He said (and I agree with him) that I really am doing a lot of good things to take care of myself mentally, so if I'm still feeling this bad (and right this minute, it's really bad), it has to be the depression. Since I'm also a lot of things that I can do mentally to take care of myself, there needs to be a change of some sort to my meds. I see my psychiatrist next week. I'm not sure how high she wants to go with my Zoloft but it will be the top topic of discussion next week.
I started the lightbox therapy. Last week, I'd wake up, go to the bathroom, take my meds and go back into my bedroom and sit in front of the box for 30 minutes and read. I usually woke up around 7:30-8:00 and when I was done, get dressed and go downstairs to do whatever I had planned for the day. With work starting back, I have been able to get up at 6:30, do the bathroom and meds and then 25-30 minutes in front of the box. This seems like a good order to the day because I take my meds and then sit in front of the box. Before, I was taking my meds as the last thing I did in the bathroom before getting dressed for the day. If my mind was elsewhere, I could finish brushing my teeth and leave the bathroom without taking them. Now, I take them at a regular time in the middle of getting ready for the day. I've been trying to meditate during the lightbox time. Normally I would close my eyes to concentrate on my breathing, but can't do that with the lightbox. Dr. H was very specific that my eyes had to be open for the lightbox to work. So, I've been staring at a point on the desk and trying to concentrate on my breathing. So far, I've only been able to stand it for about 5 minutes. I have an app on my phone that will signal me after 5 minutes. I'm still like "How much time do I have left" and then go back to concentrating on my breathing. Hopefully I will get better at this. After that, I play Angry Birds. I also find something soothing about killing pigs with birds! Except when I can't get 3 stars after 3 or 4 tries. Finally at 7:00, I turn off the light and go back to the bathroom to finish all the hair/teeth/etc. The whole lightbox therapy has had the added bonus of helping me get out of the house on time and actually being on time for work. I have been in the office at 8:00 every day this week. Granted today is only Thursday, but if I can keep waking up at 6:30, I think I have that whole issue licked.
I have a lot more to say, but this post is long enough for now. As usual, I'm going to try to write everyday, but we all know how well I may be at that, but as the title says, I keep getting back in the saddle, maybe one time it will actually take.
